Need sex. Gaining weight.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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