Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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