i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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