Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
