Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
