"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
