The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Blood and glitter go together right?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
