my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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