i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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