I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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