I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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