I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
