i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
