We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
