Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
