life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
