stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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