Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
