someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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