1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
