I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
