Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
