shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
