i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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