so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
