You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
