M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Randomize
