Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
