he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So much rum. So many feels.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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