i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
