Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
