it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
