youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
