U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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