Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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