I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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