I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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