you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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