Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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