oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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