I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
