He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
