took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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