I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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