i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
