Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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