Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
YAS. BRING CRAB.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
