I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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