I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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