insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
