Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
