we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
