She's JV to your varsity
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
