Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
