So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I need to calm my uterus...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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