I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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