no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
