theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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