when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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