I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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