so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
