It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
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I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
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at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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