We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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